Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Topics - Olufemi_

Pages: [1]
1
HUMOUR and JOKES / SPAGHETTI
« on: August 20, 2008, 03:13:31 PM »

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey,'
she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and passed out ,.On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce"

2
HUMOUR and JOKES / 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
« on: August 20, 2008, 02:40:49 PM »
Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's always best to keep your mouth shut!


The End

3
GENERAL DISCUSSION / POSTING A PIX
« on: August 18, 2008, 12:24:43 PM »

How do I post a picture or other graphic on the board?

4
GENERAL DISCUSSION / WHEN IS A PERSON LEGALLY DEAD
« on: August 14, 2008, 11:57:20 AM »
I read something today on the net that set me thinking,

"when can a human being said to be legally dead?"

Responses welcome.


5
GENERAL DISCUSSION / HOW DO YOU WISH TO BE BURIED?
« on: August 14, 2008, 11:47:45 AM »

If I were asked to choose, I would choose cremation. Its nice, clean, quick and less trouble for everybody.

Whats your own choice?

6
GENERAL DISCUSSION / WHEN HE/SHE CRIES!
« on: August 08, 2008, 02:58:49 PM »

What/how do you feel when your partner cries??


7
GENERAL DISCUSSION / WOULD YOU CHEAT?
« on: August 07, 2008, 03:29:14 PM »

Would you cheat on your partner if you are absolutely sure of not getting caught?

8
SOFTWARE and PROGRAMMING / VB, C++
« on: July 22, 2008, 12:31:17 PM »
Hello guys,
I'm interested in learning Visual Basic and C++ programming languages. Can anyone please recommend a good training centre? Please include the address/email/phone number if possible.

Thank you.

9
HUMOUR and JOKES / Which friend would You rather have?
« on: July 11, 2008, 11:48:12 AM »




                                          Men always have better friends....


                                       They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!


Here's an example:-


                                                       Friends of Women:

 A wife was not at home for a whole night.
 

So she tells her husband the very next morning,
 

that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
 

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
 

none of them confirmed that she was with them.


 

                                                Friends of Men:


A husband was not at home for a whole night.
 

So he tells his wife the very next morning,
 

that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
 

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that
 

Yes!! he stayed at their apartments that night and
 

another 5 claimed that in fact he is still right there with them!!


10
HUMOUR and JOKES / Girl Diary Vs Boy's Diary
« on: June 26, 2008, 02:53:41 PM »
                                  Girl's Diary VS Boy's Diary

                                        HER DIARY


Day night, I thought he was acting
weird.

We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I only thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that
we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.



                                             

                                          HIS DIARY





                        Today CHELSEA lost the finals against MAN. U.


                                           

                                               

                                                       DAMN.





Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women !!!

11
GENERAL DISCUSSION / MAN VS WOMAN GAME
« on: June 14, 2008, 04:36:24 PM »
This is an intellectual game.

RULES:
1. Your statement begins "Thank God I'm a Man/Woman"
2. You specify what the other sex experiences which fortunately you don't have to experience.
3. Be advised you must be ready to defend your assertion with facts/research, if asked.


So, here goes..

Thank God I'm a Man, I don't have to experience Menstruation.


Next?..

12
GENERAL DISCUSSION / LAGOS BABES AND POT BELLIES
« on: June 11, 2008, 11:46:18 AM »

What is it with Lagos babes and big tummies?

Have you noticed?

Everywhere you look, you see babes with big tummies.

Is this the latest beauty touch?

13
RELIGION / IS GOD MALE & FEMALE?
« on: May 28, 2008, 04:45:47 PM »
1. God created Man in his own image.

2. He also created woman in his own image.

This means logically that God must be made up of Male & Female parts.
Right?

14
FAMILY and Home / SHOULD YOUR FIANCEE BE PREGNANT BEFORE WEDDING?
« on: May 24, 2008, 12:40:35 PM »
House,
My younger sister's fiancee is insisting she has to get pregnant before he will agree to finalising their wedding preparations.
I told her to go right ahead and get pregnant!
After all, it is one of my own basic requirements from any girl I will marry. Pregnancy first.

So, what do you think?

15
FAMILY and Home / SHOULD YOUR PARTNER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU EARN?
« on: May 22, 2008, 10:14:16 AM »
Hi House,
This issue caused an uproar in my family early this Year, so am asking for your opinion "Can you honestly and truthfully tell your wife/husband how much you earn?"
Me, I can't!

16
FOOD / N80billion for Rice Importation? Haba!
« on: May 14, 2008, 04:49:17 PM »
Guys,
News have it that Government will spend a total of 80 billion Naira to import Rice. I think this is very wrong and should be discouraged.

What do you think?

17
GENERAL DISCUSSION / CAN U EAT FROM THIS CHINA?
« on: May 13, 2008, 12:28:11 PM »
I present to you my plate- the ---- China, the Plate of champions!
Can you eat from this plate??


[attachment deleted by admin]

18
BUSINESS and ECONOMY / Interested in Forex
« on: May 09, 2008, 03:23:47 PM »
I'm interested in learning about forex trading and how you can apply it practically in Nigeria here. Pls does anybody have a good tutorial on the subject?/direct me to a good site where I can learn? My email is omoluaby@gmail.com. Thank you.

Pages: [1]

Enter Your Email Below For Daily Jobs Updates, It's Free

100% Free